Release

Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you'll have it forever, real and eternal.
~ John 12:24-25 (The Message)

I love this version of a verse that I've heard time and time again. In the NIV translation the last part reads, "The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." How often have you been told this or heard a sermon preached on this and then moved on with your day knowing that there's a challenge inherent in these words but unsure of what that really means? I know I've been guilty of that thought process more than once.

This version made me think again though. It speaks to me of letting go of what I think my life should look like right now, releasing the hopes and dreams and wishes that I carry through my days on this earth. It's the concept of allowing my plans to be put to death so that God can use them in much more powerful ways than I can imagine.

I can hold so tightly to things that I can see. I become fearful of letting go, fearful of taking a chance, fearful of the risk. That fear can be one of my greatest failures and I regularly need to be prodded and pushed into jumping off the cliffs. I don't know what God can do with this life but I know that if I keep holding on to it as it is today, I'll end up with just smashed fragments of what could have become a beautiful story if I let Him do the sowing.

I want to live recklessly in God's love. Now I just have to let go and leap!

Chasing Rabbits

And now, a funny story courtesy of my dog:

Brady is a golden retriever and as such, has a chase instinct second to none. One of the things that absolutely drives him nuts is the bunnies that live in our neighborhood. Every walk involves me watching him and calling him back from tearing off after those fluffy morsels. We've taken to walking in the dark lately as it fits my schedule better than trying to take him out while it's still light and I don't think he's bothered by it at all. However, it does make it more difficult for me to see the rabbits before he does so I have to pay more attention to him so that I don't loose my hand as he takes off.

Normally I've got this down to an art and he's pretty predictable in his reactions because the rabbits always run when he starts getting close. However, a couple evenings ago we were out and all of the sudden he charged what appeared to be a bunny sitting in the grass...

That statue must have been surprised...but not as surprised as my puppy! I'm just glad he didn't chip his tooth! Perhaps he needs glasses! :)

No deep thoughts for now...just some silliness!

Fixed

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
~ Hebrews 12:2

Sometimes life is just hard. I know it sounds trite and I know that it's something you've heard your entire life but some days it's just the truth.

These days are a swirl of thoughts, emotions, issues, questions, and complexities. I find myself burdened in prayer for so many dear friends even as I work through my own stuff that comes along with just living out the life God has given to me. It is not easy and perhaps it shouldn't be.

For if this journey was easy would I ever truly be drawn to the Word for strength, spending time listening to Him rather than rushing to the next thing? Would I understand as well that without Him I would fail and fall so much more than I already do? Would I be as deeply moved by the promise of what lies ahead if I were more at home in this world? Perhaps the surroundings of the lives we live are what truly remind us that we're made for much more than this and direct our attention to where real hope can be found. Maybe they're what help us to constantly remember to keep our eyes fixed on Him instead of the distractions!

While I walk through these days purposing to set my sights firmly on Christ I also want to remember that each day is a day that He has made no matter what circumstances try to convince me otherwise. I want to still take time to enjoy the beauty of this world, to remember the blessings of amazing fellowship, and aim to glorify the Lord with every breath that I take. I want to always look forward to heaven but also to relish all the moments in the journey on the way!

Happy Fall!

And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so.
~ Genesis 1:14-15

Today officially marks the first day of Autumn 2008. Since I was a small child I have been completely enamored with this season. Perhaps it's because it means that school starts (which meant new supplies) or because the leaves change (or did in Colorado) or that cooler weather is on the way or that it's going to be my birthday and then the holidays. I'm not sure what drove my fascination with this particular time of year but it's always been my favorite.

This year is no exception. I spent lunch at a nearby park reading and writing and I can guarantee that Brady will be taken on a walk every night this week (just like the last week as the weather began to play below the 90's). This year though I am even more excited to embrace this new season. It's not so much a saying goodbye to where I've been but the knowing that a new season will always bring new opportunities.

Looking back over the year, I can't say that this has been my best year but I can say that I have grown in my relationship with Christ in amazing ways and that colors even the painful times with gratitude. I've learned that I can't plan beyond my next five minutes but I also know that God is putting some amazing dreams in my heart for the years to come. My reliance on Him and my desire to know His word is growing each day and I'm hopeful that He'll change some of the rougher corners of my personality in the times to come. I guess maybe this year fall is just a time for thinking about where I've been and where I'm going and remembering that no matter what is to come, God created seasons because sometimes a bit of change is good!

Magnificent Obsession

This topic is tied to what I talked about yesterday but I wanted to discuss it again (and since it's my blog, I can!). I listened to Steven Curtis Chapman's song over the weekend and was struck by how much it could describe my life, both where I am today and where I want to be tomorrow.

I find myself so often asking God to explain things or give answers in situations but despite my calling out to Him, I rarely feel as though I'm able to leave behind the complications of this life. However, I have found that if I stop in the midst of questioning and tune in to the reality that God knows all and purposes all and watches over all then suddenly my questions become less critical. It's not that they cease to exist or they don't run through my head at times but the truth is that in those moments I am able to turn away from the confusion and rest in the knowledge of God alone.

I want to be able to sing the chorus of this song and mean it: God is everything I want and need and I want Him to be my one consuming passion. In a world that promises its fair share of brokenness and sorrow, I am ever so thankful that God is someone who I can always return to and be completely lost in and found in at the same time!

Magnificent Obsession
By: Steven Curtis Chapman

Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life’s complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling
like I’m chasing down the wind
But now it’s brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I’ve never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You’ve shown me
Cut through these chains that tie
me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You

Focus

Last week I attended a meeting where the speaker discussed the need to focus on the goal and ignore any wobbles that come along as you pick up momentum in your pursuit of the end result. It was a motivational topic that ended up making me think about my life and how often the wobbles that I encounter can throw me off of my focus of the real goal. I recognize very clearly that this life is always going to bring things along that can serve to distract me from my purpose. Not only am I just easily distracted but the Bible also tells me that I have an enemy whose goal is to keep me from a whole-hearted focus on the Lord.

So the question becomes, what is the goal that I'm aiming at? When I sit down and think about it, the mission statement of my life (for lack of a better term) ends up being something along the lines of this:
To live each day in the single-hearted pursuit of knowing the Lord and becoming more like Him as I face various circumstances along the way. Through my hours, I hope that I will become an ever brighter light to this world and continually encourage all those I meet to join me in the pursuit of the Savior.

More simply: To know Him and make Him known.

Things around seek to distract and I know that there will always be wobbles but through them all I hope to not be so distracted as to veer off course and end up sitting on the sidelines instead of finishing the race strong. Just a challenge to my own heart that came from a corporate meeting and was certainly not the goal for the agenda!

Closer

I love this song today - it just reminds me that so much of my life needs to be viewed with a different perspective than the one that I so often cling to. The reality of everything is that my purpose and desire is to be all about God; when it's hard or painful or not what I want but also when it's sunny and happy and my earthly desires are met in abundance. May God be the driving force of my every moment and may my sight not waiver from the eternal purpose to which my soul is called.

Closer to You
By: Mark Schultz

Closer to me I'm tired and I'm weak
And every breath within me is longing just to be
Closer to You
So I face the road ahead
Cause I know there's no comparing
To what's waiting at the end

So let the rain start falling where it will
And I will run through this valley
Just to climb to that hill
And if they ask why I'm smiling
After all I've been through
It's cause I'm just a day closer to You

Closer to me I hear You whisper on the wind
You say although my life is ending
A new one will begin
Closer to You
And I know I'm not alone
Cause I can hear You in the distance
Saying, you are nearly home

So let the rain start falling where it will
And I will run through this valley
Just to climb to that hill
And if they ask why I'm dancing
Though my days may be few
It's cause I'm just a day closer to You

Closer to me You're in the laughter and the tears
Of the ones I leave behind me
Who have prayed me through the years
Closer to You
And I know it won't be long
Till You're running down the pathway
Just to take me in Your arms

So let the rain start falling where it will
And I will run through this valley
Just to climb to that hill
And if they ask why I'm singing
Though my life's almost through
It's cause I'm just a day closer
I'm just a day closer
I'm just a day closer to You

Me

So I came across this verse last night and it's like looking in a mirror:

Though I constantly take my life in my hands, I will not forget your law.
~ Psalm 119:109

Ok, maybe the first part is more like the mirror and the second part is the thing I need to learn! Either way, just thought it was funny (and maybe a bit scary) and that I'd share.

Author? Not me!

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
~ Psalm 139:16

I love to write and think and analyze and imagine. These things inspire and challenge me and give great passion to my life. Here's what I'm learning right now though:

I am not the author of my life's story. I may have input on some of the pages and I may do things that create twists and turns but I'm not the author. The periods and commas, beginnings and endings of chapters, the ultimate tale that's woven by my days: these are not things that I'm able to write.

God is the author - He knows the tale far better than I do and He has a purpose for each moment and event that exists. Perhaps today I'll stop trying to anticipate the next turn or put a period where God has a comma and simply trust that He is the author, He's in control, and His imagination and love far exceed anything that I have ever experienced. Perhaps today...

Choice

But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.
~Joshua 24:15

Every moment of every day I have a choice to make.

Will I continue to follow the God who has never ceased to be faithful in my life or will I decide that it's just not desirable for me to walk after Him? Will I give up the fight for faith or will I battle on even when the path is darker than I'd like and the direction not so clear? Will I choose a road that looks so much easier right now or will I stay where I know God put me even when it is so very hard to persevere?

May God give me the strength to be able to say that I, too, will choose to serve the Lord.

Stewing

I am having trouble coming up with words right now. I have so very many thoughts in my head and so very many different ways of communicating them and I'm stuck. Hang in there with me, I believe they'll get unstuck before too long. All part of the process, right? :)

Grace

I was listening to a sermon the other day while driving and the pastor was talking about grace - how grace is the definition of our lives in Christ and the very tapestry that weaves our days together.

He reminded his audience that grace is unmerited favor.

I struggle so with this concept. My life could be defined as piling one accomplishment on top of the next in an effort to prove that somehow, I am enough. I like to check things off and know that I'm contributing to the world at large and doing things that matter to others. I have a big portion of people-pleasing and an even bigger portion of pride to go along with it. I like to look the part and seek perfection. Grace does not fit with this life...not in the way that I would run it if God had not reached down and grabbed my heart out of the muck I found myself in (and at times still find myself mired down by).

The fact that God looked out from eternity and chose me to become one of His children is something that I do not think on nearly enough. When I do pause to contemplate the reality of this though, I am completely blown away by the fact that He extended His grace to me; not because of any accomplishments, not because of how 'good' I was, not because of anything that I ever have done or ever will do. I could never do anything to earn this gift, never accomplish anything impressive enough to improve my standing before this holy God. I recognize that it was pure grace that ever brought me to the point of accepting Christ's ultimate gift for me but I also recognize that this grace is something that should be reflected constantly in my life, not only in the way that I act towards others but also in the way I act towards myself. Grace does not end at the cross - it should continue to be part of every moment of life that we are given!

There is such a challenge there for me - I can be so very hard on myself and I know that I certainly don't always extend grace to others. I wonder how my life would look if I were to daily remind myself that God's grace is still present, that He is not waiting for me to prove that I'm worthy of His affection and love, and if I were to live as nothing more than a filled up grace receptacle extending what I have received to those whose paths I cross. How different I think I would be if I were to see everything in life as a reminder of His unmerited favor and if I were to allow the concept of what that really means to sink into my heart and soul completely.

Grace continues to amaze me. There truly are not words enough to describe how overwhelmed I am at this unmerited favor that God has so richly bestowed on my life.

Lord, Please help me to fully understand the reality of your grace and how you desire that I share it with others in my life. Help me to set aside the quest for perfection and focus instead on how your grace reflects so much better from a heart that is captured completely by You.

Falling Short

So often in these days I recognize the distance between what I long to be and what I find myself being. So often I read words that I desire to live and yet find myself running from their instruction in the same moments.

Why am I not always able to say with the psalmist that "earth has nothing I desire besides you" (Psalm 73:25b)? Why can I not always claim that "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21)? Why are my cries so often opposed to what God calls us to? How is it that I find myself so double-minded when I truly long to be focused only on the Lord?

The stain of sin is upon humanity and I am among the weakest. I long to be compassionate, loving, forgiving, open, honest, humble, patient, kind, whole-heartedly seeking after the Lord and turning the other cheek. Yet I find myself time and again stumbling over the bumps in my callous, selfish, whiny heart.

This is not a dissertation asking for other's affirmation. No, nothing such as that. I just struggle with the weight of the call and the recognition yet again of how incapable I am to ever make progress in the journey. I long for days when I can throw off the sins that entangle and run freely into righteousness. I long for them but those days are not here yet. For now it is still a journey, a time marked only by God graciously giving me more moments to live and seek Him even in my weakness and unfaithfulness.

So when my cries do not echo the cries of those who had their moments of purposefully seeking only the Lord, I go back to this:
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
~Philippians 3:12-14

There is always a journey, there is always refinement, there is always a setting aside of what has come before and purposing to travel forward towards the one goal worthy of our lives. May I at least on some days be found in this pursuit. And for the many times when I find myself sidelined by myself, may I remember that grace is available and present from the One whose love never ceases regardless of how often I may trip and fall.

Nothing Compares

Third Day (one of the greatest groups ever) has a song with this chorus:
Nothing compares to the greatness of knowing You, Lord

I love this song but honestly, I find that there is a huge challenge in these lyrics. As I listen to what the words say, the premise is that no matter what we have or experience or succeed at in this life it is all so very insignificant compared with knowing the Lord. Powerful words and such a common theme in most of the songs that are written today and sung around the world in churches and various other venues.

Yet, here's my question: how much do we really believe these words? We'll sing along with great bands and enjoy the lyrics and walk on believing that we've really worshiped the Lord and had intensely spiritual moments. Now, I'm not knocking worship in any way but I wonder how often we completely miss the call that's held within the catchy lyrics.

The basis of this song is that there is absolutely nothing that's better than knowing the Lord. Do we really believe this? Do we live as though it's true? Here's where I get tripped up...do I really live a life where I'm willing to set aside EVERYTHING just for the ability to know and follow Christ? Do I really live as though Jesus is better than money, family, relationships, friends, homes, and everything else? It's not that these things do not have importance but the truth is that God calls us to hold everything loosely and to hold tight only to the fact that He is the one thing worth giving our entire lives for. I suspect that more often than not I'm holding on too tightly to the things of this world and not really living with arms open to the things that God has for me.

Yet again I recognize that I have so far to go on this journey and I won't pretend to really know how this type of life looks when it's lived day to day. So often my humanity seems to get in the way of where I long to be with the Lord. The challenge is big - I am so little. I'll never understand why God continues to work to refine me...I can only hope, yet again, that this is progress in the right direction!