19 Cent Integrity

It was a quick stop at the store, just a couple things on the list and I'd be back out the door and headed for home. It was almost 5:00 and I knew that rush hour was starting and, quite frankly, I was tired and ready to call it a day.

It was Kroger and I know the store well so I grabbed everything and quickly made my way to the front. I paused to pick up some flowers (inconsequential to this tale but they make me happy and now that'll be recorded too) and then got into the self-checkout line. I rang up everything, dealt with a coupon, and paid. All was well and then as I put my bags in the cart I spotted it: the lone tomato that had escaped my bag.

I saw it and then I scooped it up and put it in my bag, surreptitiously and knowing even as I did that I had certainly not paid for that little sucker. Almost immediately my instinctive (read that as sinful) nature kicked in and I thought, "Hey, it's just one tomato, I didn't do it on purpose, I'd never steal intentionally. It's just not a big deal."

I had a choice. In that one moment I knew that I was faced with an option. Did I stop, drag out everything and pay for that one lonely tomato or did I just call it a day and not worry about it?

I did have a choice. Nobody would have noticed. It wouldn't have caused some accounting disaster. It wouldn't have made a difference to anyone.

I realized though, it did make a difference to me. It was important because while I actually don't know who is watching my actions here on this planet (but for the record, probably more people than I'd guess) I most assuredly do believe that there is a God to whom I will have to one day give an account for every careless, sinful action that I've committed. I could have added to that already long list today.

Instead, I stopped, pulled that tomato out and paid 19 cents to know that one day when I stand before a very holy and righteous God, I will not have to talk about that lonely tomato.

Today, my integrity cost 19 cents. Tomorrow, it could cost me everything. I hope I'll consider no price too large to pay but, for now, I'm thankful that I chose well on this day.

I just hope that with each choice I make I'm becoming less likely to disregard sin in my life no matter how small I might consider it and that with each decision, I'm becoming more like Him.

Desperation

We hear the word desperate often, usually with a negative connotation, usually in situations where there is a deep need of rescue or we're drowning in hopelessness or despair. Those are the times when we get desperate.

Lately I've been wearing out the Hillsong CD "All Of The Above" (seriously, the lyrics from this CD will rock your world) and there is a song called "Desperate People" with this chorus:

This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
Lord break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
We chase Your heart

Year after year people will sing this chorus, will hum along, will appreciate the artistry. Yet how often are we really living out lives that reflect a desperate desire in our minds and hearts for Him? I feel as though this theme has been coming up in my life increasingly often and I am really being challenged by questions such as this.

Does my life and the lives of other Christians around me really reflect a sold-out passion for the things of God? Do we truly desire, above everything else, to know Him and chase His heart and allow His desires to become our own? I am convicted of the many times in my own life that this is not the case.

Go back to the beginning of this post though and remember when we usually see desperation...it shows up at the point of deepest need. I need a heart that is overcome with the neediness of my own life and personal shortcoming in every aspect. I need a heart that beats in line with His, that is broken and devastated by the things that dishonor Him and break His heart. I need to recognize that there is nothing that I can do to live the life He has for me apart from relying completely on Him. The truth is that I am desperate. Desperately in need of a savior. Desperately in need of transformation.

It's just that so often I settle for singing the lyrics and not really living them out.

Missing It

Today I'm missing it. I'm fighting to see the silver lining in what is momentarily looking like clouds of rain. I'm attending the meetings and singing the songs and taking the notes but I'm missing it. I'm in a funk.

I don't know what's going on in my head. I feel like there must be something that's occupying my thoughts or making me fret but there's no thought that's popping to the surface. Instead I just seem to be struggling to make the connection.

I feel out of sorts with friends and church and work and school and maybe even a bit with God Himself. I'm just not clicking along on all cylinders and that makes the journey seem rough.

I know God is working. I'm seeing amazing proof of an active God in stories all over the place. Prayers that I have begged God to answer are being answered and most of them are being answered in amazingly blessed ways!

I know my life is full of beautiful things and experiences and relationships and I fully believe that I'm right where God has placed me for this season.

I know all this but today I think I'm missing it. My heart just hasn't been in it and I'm focused on the struggles instead of the God who allows them and provides in the midst of them.

I think this is my deal. It so often comes down to perspective in my life. I miss the forest for the trees. Pretty sure that's my deal now.

So I'm going to take the next little bit of time and try to look at the forest. I know God's so very big. I just need to step back and see Him for who He is. He's not limited by my sight, only I am.

Desire

Worship the Lord your God and only the Lord your God. Serve him with absolute single-heartedness.
~Luke 4:8

How much I desire to live a life that could be defined by this verse! I was driving home this evening singing the song "From The Inside Out"* by Hillsong at the top of my lungs and as I sang the chorus, I thought of how much I desire to pursue Christ with everything that I have but, at the very same moment, I was overwhelmed by the reality of how often I stop short of that goal.

I am quickly blown off course by busy schedules, random thoughts, and unanswered questions. I find myself trying yet again to put pieces together that God hasn't moved and then wondering how in the world I'm supposed to figure out what to do next. Clue phone: I'm not supposed to be figuring out that stuff. I'm supposed to be focusing on what He's put in front of me today (but that's a discussion for a whole other post).

I long to pursue God and not falter along the road but I feel like I find myself so often sitting on the shoulder picking daisies instead of chasing after Him. Frustrating story and one that I seem to be content to keep writing.

I guess when I step back I have to say that I've made progress on this journey and perhaps I'm just expecting to microwave my spiritual life along with my career life and relational life and every other aspect of life. Perhaps I'm too hard on myself and I need to not forget how far the Lord has already brought me. It's possible.

However, I also think that it's possible that I need to keep recognizing when I fall and stop running as I know I should. Those times when I entertain thoughts of slowing down and giving up and settling for the immediately available. See, if I ever have hopes of living the life I claim to want, then I can't stop disciplining myself towards that goal.

I may never reach it (in fact, I really don't expect to in this life) but I continuously want to be challenged by verses that remind me of where I want to run so that I can keep modifying my steps to follow that path. So, when I wake up tomorrow, I want to remember this verse and set my heart and mind wholly on God so that I might come even closer to saying that I worship and serve only Him single-heartedly!

*This is one seriously awesome song. If you haven't heard it (or if you just need to be encouraged), do yourself a favor and check this out:

Still

Be still, and know that I am God!
~Psalm 46:10A

Last night I started on a journey that could change my life completely. I sat in a classroom full of people of all ages and realized that if I actually move forward with this then it could radically modify my direction in life. Then I got scared. As the professor spent three hours telling us how difficult this class would be and how much time it would take I found myself fearing that I wasn't in the right place. Took a deep breath and decided to just give it a shot.

Came to my job today and sat in a meeting where all of my responsibilities were listed out and realized that it just sounds like there aren't enough people to do the work that needs to happen. Tossed around scenarios and listened to teammates discuss and felt the band of panic tighten around my chest. Left the meeting, drank some coffee, and committed to doing the best that I could.

Thought through all of the responsibilities I have in my life this very moment. Realized that some dreams may not be possible. Started to prioritize.

Deep breaths. No panic. God wins in every scenario.

Being still. It seems out of sync with the world that's rushing around me. Yet it's the only thing that makes the swirling mess fall into order.

I will spend my time in stillness with the Lord because that's the only thing that truly matters. If all else falls away and I'm left with nothing but empty hands, God remains.

My life is overwhelming at this moment. I could freak out really easily. I'm not going to though.

I'm going to be still.

I'm going to know that God is God.

That's where you'll find me: sitting still in the midst of the chaos.

Quiet.

Wrestling

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way."
~C.S. Lewis

I am fighting the Lord right now. I don't like to admit that because I'd prefer to act as though I've got everything together and that I'm a shining example of how to live this life following the Lord completely. However, I'm really not all that shiny and the truth is that all I really am is a muddy, fighting, imperfect, unworthy recipient of His eternal grace. All that and He still loves me...unbelievable.

I hate wrestling with God. It frustrates me because I know that in the long run I will have to bow before Him and surrender to Him. I know that's where this all ends up and, ultimately, that's where I want it to end up. Yet in the battle my stubbornness and my sinful heart stand up and proclaim that things need to be done my way. That this time I've got the answers and I want to go with those. Right now I want to be the one who leads and not the one who follows. I work myself into this intense struggle and then I am just so incredibly stubborn and I don't want to back down.

It's ugly but it's honest.

The thing is though that I don't ever want to be the second person in the quote above. I don't really want God to just let me run free and clear, choosing my own haphazard way. Sure, I wrestle and fight and struggle against Him in moments like these but the truth is that if He were ever to just let me go I would be terrified. Even as I stand here stubbornly I know that I truly would rather go where Jesus leads than to make my own way. Ultimately, I'd rather run to the ends of the earth or wait for thirty years or jump off the highest cliff with the Lord than to enjoy blessings upon blessings without Him. I want my life to be defined by Him and not have Him be defined by my life.

This battle is one that I'll eventually lose.

Even in the midst of the struggle, I couldn't be happier with that outcome.

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
~Psalm 84:10

Obedience

Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead.
You're not in the driver's seat; I am.
~Matthew 16:24

Enough said.

Limits

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.
~ 1 Corinthians 10:13

These last couple of days I've felt very much like a rubber band, stretched out to my absolute end and wondering just when everything is going to pop apart and end up hurting somebody. Gotta love it when your primary object of comparison is a rubber band!

The thing is that I've allowed myself to become too concerned with my thoughts. I've chased after God in so many ways and found Him to be so very real and true and good but just recently I have found myself relying too much on my own understanding and not enough on His. It's a funny thing to be pulled up short and reminded of how insignificant your brain really is. I fight against admitting that I can't figure things out and yet, when I'm honest, I recognize that this battle is an open invitation to temptation in my life. This is where I'm tempted: to insist on my own understanding. It's not always the big 'sins' that create areas of temptation with me - there are many things that have no pull on me. Yet it's things such as this, things that are so much a part of my humanity and my personality, that create temptation.

This is where it gets good though. See that verse up there? First, I'm not alone in facing this temptation, it's been faced before by others on the journey. Second, God is bigger than the temptation and He's able and willing to help me walk past it in victory. Funny thing though, this verse doesn't say what we would like to think that it says. It doesn't tell us that we'll never be tempted or that we won't have to walk through it because God will immediately rescue us from the trial. It tells us that God will be there to get us through it and He won't let us be pushed beyond what we can bear but we have to recognize that we have a responsibility here too. Our responsibility is to recognize that this is temptation and to seek God and ask Him to come alongside us in victory.

It would be so easy for me to not admit that this is an area in my life where temptation can lead to sin. It'd be a much more pleasurable time for me if I could just let my focus be on only doing that which I can understand. There is an easy road but it's not the refining road. So, instead of fighting for understanding from a God who has no requirement to provide it (see Job if you don't believe that) I can humble myself and approach Him asking for mercy and victory. See, I'm not perfect (just to set the record straight :) ), but my God is always desiring to refine me towards that goal. I just need to stop and call temptation what it really is in my life even when I'd prefer to just keep walking my own way.

So, today, I'm going to take my rubber band self and tell God that I'm stretched too far because I'm out there on my own trying to work things out in my head. The great thing is that He can release the tension in my life and walk with me through my temptations and, in the end, make me just a little bit more like His Son instead of the rubber band that I would be on my own.

Premature

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
~ James 1:2-4 (The Message)

These verses are always so rich regardless of the translation as they challenge us to look at all circumstances as a gift from the Lord, something being used by Him to refine us in character and righteousness.

However, this is what struck me today: "So don't try to get out of anything prematurely."

Like a knife directly into my heart are those words. I've written of this before; this quest for patience and the hope that I will allow God to do His refining work through the trials without running through the valley just to emerge on the other side.

I tend to measure required length of time in a trial by how much I believe I can bear. Once I feel this has been reached then I begin to believe that the time for movement has arrived and God must be done with His work because I surely can't be expected to stay in the trial any longer. How wrong I suspect I often am!

I am not the one who decides when I've learned the lessons that God has for me. Oddly enough I'm also not the one who really knows how much I can bear or when I am ready to move out of the valley or, for that matter, what the valley's end looks like! I squirm in the fire and fight the trial and see so much of my humanity in the middle of it. This is a challenge for me though - to not attempt to get out prematurely. What this really says is that I have to wait on God to show me when my exit is no longer premature because He's the one who knows the lesson plan.

As always, a call to utter dependence on Him. A challenge to step away from my desires for immediate gratification or release from struggle. Yet in it all, a blessing: that if I wait until God moves I will become "mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." How can I say that that's not worth the waiting?

Grace

I was listening to a sermon the other day while driving and the pastor was talking about grace - how grace is the definition of our lives in Christ and the very tapestry that weaves our days together.

He reminded his audience that grace is unmerited favor.

I struggle so with this concept. My life could be defined as piling one accomplishment on top of the next in an effort to prove that somehow, I am enough. I like to check things off and know that I'm contributing to the world at large and doing things that matter to others. I have a big portion of people-pleasing and an even bigger portion of pride to go along with it. I like to look the part and seek perfection. Grace does not fit with this life...not in the way that I would run it if God had not reached down and grabbed my heart out of the muck I found myself in (and at times still find myself mired down by).

The fact that God looked out from eternity and chose me to become one of His children is something that I do not think on nearly enough. When I do pause to contemplate the reality of this though, I am completely blown away by the fact that He extended His grace to me; not because of any accomplishments, not because of how 'good' I was, not because of anything that I ever have done or ever will do. I could never do anything to earn this gift, never accomplish anything impressive enough to improve my standing before this holy God. I recognize that it was pure grace that ever brought me to the point of accepting Christ's ultimate gift for me but I also recognize that this grace is something that should be reflected constantly in my life, not only in the way that I act towards others but also in the way I act towards myself. Grace does not end at the cross - it should continue to be part of every moment of life that we are given!

There is such a challenge there for me - I can be so very hard on myself and I know that I certainly don't always extend grace to others. I wonder how my life would look if I were to daily remind myself that God's grace is still present, that He is not waiting for me to prove that I'm worthy of His affection and love, and if I were to live as nothing more than a filled up grace receptacle extending what I have received to those whose paths I cross. How different I think I would be if I were to see everything in life as a reminder of His unmerited favor and if I were to allow the concept of what that really means to sink into my heart and soul completely.

Grace continues to amaze me. There truly are not words enough to describe how overwhelmed I am at this unmerited favor that God has so richly bestowed on my life.

Lord, Please help me to fully understand the reality of your grace and how you desire that I share it with others in my life. Help me to set aside the quest for perfection and focus instead on how your grace reflects so much better from a heart that is captured completely by You.

Falling Short

So often in these days I recognize the distance between what I long to be and what I find myself being. So often I read words that I desire to live and yet find myself running from their instruction in the same moments.

Why am I not always able to say with the psalmist that "earth has nothing I desire besides you" (Psalm 73:25b)? Why can I not always claim that "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21)? Why are my cries so often opposed to what God calls us to? How is it that I find myself so double-minded when I truly long to be focused only on the Lord?

The stain of sin is upon humanity and I am among the weakest. I long to be compassionate, loving, forgiving, open, honest, humble, patient, kind, whole-heartedly seeking after the Lord and turning the other cheek. Yet I find myself time and again stumbling over the bumps in my callous, selfish, whiny heart.

This is not a dissertation asking for other's affirmation. No, nothing such as that. I just struggle with the weight of the call and the recognition yet again of how incapable I am to ever make progress in the journey. I long for days when I can throw off the sins that entangle and run freely into righteousness. I long for them but those days are not here yet. For now it is still a journey, a time marked only by God graciously giving me more moments to live and seek Him even in my weakness and unfaithfulness.

So when my cries do not echo the cries of those who had their moments of purposefully seeking only the Lord, I go back to this:
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
~Philippians 3:12-14

There is always a journey, there is always refinement, there is always a setting aside of what has come before and purposing to travel forward towards the one goal worthy of our lives. May I at least on some days be found in this pursuit. And for the many times when I find myself sidelined by myself, may I remember that grace is available and present from the One whose love never ceases regardless of how often I may trip and fall.

Nothing Compares

Third Day (one of the greatest groups ever) has a song with this chorus:
Nothing compares to the greatness of knowing You, Lord

I love this song but honestly, I find that there is a huge challenge in these lyrics. As I listen to what the words say, the premise is that no matter what we have or experience or succeed at in this life it is all so very insignificant compared with knowing the Lord. Powerful words and such a common theme in most of the songs that are written today and sung around the world in churches and various other venues.

Yet, here's my question: how much do we really believe these words? We'll sing along with great bands and enjoy the lyrics and walk on believing that we've really worshiped the Lord and had intensely spiritual moments. Now, I'm not knocking worship in any way but I wonder how often we completely miss the call that's held within the catchy lyrics.

The basis of this song is that there is absolutely nothing that's better than knowing the Lord. Do we really believe this? Do we live as though it's true? Here's where I get tripped up...do I really live a life where I'm willing to set aside EVERYTHING just for the ability to know and follow Christ? Do I really live as though Jesus is better than money, family, relationships, friends, homes, and everything else? It's not that these things do not have importance but the truth is that God calls us to hold everything loosely and to hold tight only to the fact that He is the one thing worth giving our entire lives for. I suspect that more often than not I'm holding on too tightly to the things of this world and not really living with arms open to the things that God has for me.

Yet again I recognize that I have so far to go on this journey and I won't pretend to really know how this type of life looks when it's lived day to day. So often my humanity seems to get in the way of where I long to be with the Lord. The challenge is big - I am so little. I'll never understand why God continues to work to refine me...I can only hope, yet again, that this is progress in the right direction!

Gratitude

Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song. For the Lord is the great God, the great King above all gods.
~ Psalm 95:2-3

Here's something that I've been thinking on recently and it's changing the way that I view circumstances in my life. I've been pondering on how I am truly undeserving of the blessings that God has given to me. I think that the tendency is to think that somehow we are owed something because of what we've done or where we've been or how we've attained some spiritual maturity level (as if). This may not be something that we verbalize or are even honest with ourselves about but I think sometimes it is there in the back of our minds. It's that voice that cries out that things just aren't fair when we face a rough spot or feel a desire is unmet.

I can be so selfish at times and I know that I've been known to cry out about the unfairness of things before (and knowing me, probably will again). However, the more and more I've thought on this lately the more I realize how completely undeserving I am of any of the things that have blessed my life. I'm not deserving of a house, a family, wonderful friends, relationships, a job, a car, or the myriad of other things that can fill my days. God has been overly gracious and provided above and beyond in so many ways but at the root of it, none of the things that I have are given because I deserve them. So when I cry out about unfairness, I think that maybe what I'm really doing is telling God that somehow I deserved something different than what He has allotted to me for these moments. That somehow He "owes" me something different than what He has given. Now there's a scary thought to ponder.

So how does this tie in with gratitude? Well, what I'm thinking is that since I never deserved anything in the first place and I am certainly not owed something by God, the only thing to do is to praise Him and give Him thanks for the fact that I ever had the blessing at all. It's gratitude to the God who showed me mercy and grace in so generously giving me so many things that I have no right to, the greatest of which is found in the sacrifice of His Son! It's not about unfairness in the current moments - it's about recognizing that it's never fair that we had what we had to start with - it was just God being who God is and loving us with blessings that are abundant and beautiful and excellent. For that, we should give thanks and stop crying out unfair.

Of course, as with most things, this is much easier to think about than to actually apply. The hard part is that gratitude doesn't change the situation or answer the questions or eliminate the pain. What it does do though is open up our hearts to reflect on the real goodness of God and our place in His world - in my case it helps me take the focus off my own heart and emotions and directs it towards the One who can heal and bring peace.

Reward in Full

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full."
- Matthew 6:5

Sometimes it drives me crazy that my head is so quick to come up with words, to put them together to sound somewhat profound or intellectual. When it comes to praying, I fear that this could become my downfall - one of those things that eliminates me from fully communicating with God as I fill silence with a flurry of big words.

I won't say that when I pray out loud that I am any better at it than anyone else - so often I do find myself stumbling on trying to represent a thought that I want to take to the Lord. I fear though that sometimes I am too good at sounding good - that my prayers would intimidate others or that they wouldn't really be honest before the Lord. That I would throw in verses because they're in my head or use phrases generally reserved for speech writers simply because they pop through my mind and out of my mouth. That I wouldn't be connecting with the Lord, but instead somehow just coming across sounding pompous and austere.

I suspect that the God who made my mind understands that I don't say such things to try to impress Him (or anyone else who might overhear) - that I know the things that I pray are no more powerful than the smallest child's prayers or the most simple, sincere string of words presented to Him. I am frustrated though that simplicity so often seems out of reach for me and I fear being lumped in with the Pharisees at the beginning of this post when my prayers begin to sound like something one might read in a book.

I guess this post is just another reminder to me of how far I truly have to go. As always, thankful that His grace is sufficient and hopeful that people aren't comparing their prayers to mine in any way, shape or form.