Wrestling

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way."
~C.S. Lewis

I am fighting the Lord right now. I don't like to admit that because I'd prefer to act as though I've got everything together and that I'm a shining example of how to live this life following the Lord completely. However, I'm really not all that shiny and the truth is that all I really am is a muddy, fighting, imperfect, unworthy recipient of His eternal grace. All that and He still loves me...unbelievable.

I hate wrestling with God. It frustrates me because I know that in the long run I will have to bow before Him and surrender to Him. I know that's where this all ends up and, ultimately, that's where I want it to end up. Yet in the battle my stubbornness and my sinful heart stand up and proclaim that things need to be done my way. That this time I've got the answers and I want to go with those. Right now I want to be the one who leads and not the one who follows. I work myself into this intense struggle and then I am just so incredibly stubborn and I don't want to back down.

It's ugly but it's honest.

The thing is though that I don't ever want to be the second person in the quote above. I don't really want God to just let me run free and clear, choosing my own haphazard way. Sure, I wrestle and fight and struggle against Him in moments like these but the truth is that if He were ever to just let me go I would be terrified. Even as I stand here stubbornly I know that I truly would rather go where Jesus leads than to make my own way. Ultimately, I'd rather run to the ends of the earth or wait for thirty years or jump off the highest cliff with the Lord than to enjoy blessings upon blessings without Him. I want my life to be defined by Him and not have Him be defined by my life.

This battle is one that I'll eventually lose.

Even in the midst of the struggle, I couldn't be happier with that outcome.

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
~Psalm 84:10