Heavy

Today's moments seem measured in sorrows. Quite frankly this is one of those days where distressing news seems to just keep coming into my world every time I plug in to the goings on beyond my office.

Today I had plans to write about something that might even have brought hope to those whose struggles I'm seeing but the truth is that I just don't feel like polishing my words and figuring out how the pieces fit together. What I do feel is sadness. Sadness for those who are hurting and trying to make sense of a world that all too often leaves us with broken hearts.

My soul hurts for those who are hurting in these moments. I long for peace and comfort and understanding and provision on their behalf.

It draws me to cry out, "Come now, Lord Jesus!" This world hurts and today I'm overwhelmed by the pains. Today I long even more for those moments when every tear will be wiped away and God makes all things new.

I can't explain the pain or bring understanding to the sorrow. What I can do is say that there is hope beyond today because God never promises without delivering.

To those who are hurting, whether I know you or not, please be comforted by the love of God and the prayers of this girl on your behalf.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son.
~Revelation 21:3-7

Lyrics

As I'm certain I've said before, I adore music. I particularly love the lyrics in songs that I listen to and sometimes I really just sense that God puts certain songs in my world to speak to where I find myself at that moment. I've run into several interesting lyrics recently and just thought I'd share.

First, from the song "I Would Die For You" by Mercy Me:
And I pray that You will use my life
In whatever way Your name is glorified
Even if surrendering means leaving everything behind

Second, from the song "Until I See You Again" by Mark Schultz:
Live with the wonder of a child
Pray with your arms thrown open wide
Love with a love that has no end

Finally, from the song "Healer" by Mike Guglielmucci:
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

All of these songs are powerful but these are the words that really struck me this last week. This life is challenging but I'm so blessed by a God who uses words to speak to my heart and draw me back to Him. He truly is everything to me and my only hope is that my life reflects this every single day. I long for Him to be glorified even in my utter weakness. How He accomplishes that, I'll let Him determine. I just hope that it's apparent to those I speak with, live with, and worship with that I love Him first!

Still

Be still, and know that I am God!
~Psalm 46:10A

Last night I started on a journey that could change my life completely. I sat in a classroom full of people of all ages and realized that if I actually move forward with this then it could radically modify my direction in life. Then I got scared. As the professor spent three hours telling us how difficult this class would be and how much time it would take I found myself fearing that I wasn't in the right place. Took a deep breath and decided to just give it a shot.

Came to my job today and sat in a meeting where all of my responsibilities were listed out and realized that it just sounds like there aren't enough people to do the work that needs to happen. Tossed around scenarios and listened to teammates discuss and felt the band of panic tighten around my chest. Left the meeting, drank some coffee, and committed to doing the best that I could.

Thought through all of the responsibilities I have in my life this very moment. Realized that some dreams may not be possible. Started to prioritize.

Deep breaths. No panic. God wins in every scenario.

Being still. It seems out of sync with the world that's rushing around me. Yet it's the only thing that makes the swirling mess fall into order.

I will spend my time in stillness with the Lord because that's the only thing that truly matters. If all else falls away and I'm left with nothing but empty hands, God remains.

My life is overwhelming at this moment. I could freak out really easily. I'm not going to though.

I'm going to be still.

I'm going to know that God is God.

That's where you'll find me: sitting still in the midst of the chaos.

Quiet.

Movement

I have so very many thoughts in my head right now that I can't tie them down and write about just one of them so I'm going to paint with a very wide brush for the moment simply so I'm not leaving people hanging with my last post! Wow, that was a really long sentence! :)

Here's the deal. Within a couple of days of my last post I really turned into the Lord and sought His wisdom instead of foolishly relying on my own. Funny thing about moments like those is that He always answers me. So I've move from just being present in my life to being overly, exuberantly, excited about what God is going to do next. Oh, and a little scared.

I have absolutely no clue what next looks like. None at all. I have some fear that God may ask me to make some really hard choices in the next months but as of today I have no clue of whether that will be true or not.

What I do know is that God is faithful. He loves me extravagantly and He made me just as He desired for this time and this place and these experiences. Nothing occurs that's outside of His knowledge and He never stops working on making me look just a little more like Him no matter what it takes to get me there.

The journey continues. I couldn't be more thrilled than to be right where I am right now. We shall see what tomorrow holds. I'm good with today!

Just thought you might want to know! :)

Present

I'm not sure what my deal is this week. I'm here at work, I'm awake, I've got programs open and I'm doing things that need to get done. Then I'm at home and I'm talking, reading, drinking tea, and going to bed.

I'm everywhere that I'm supposed to be, doing everything that I'm supposed to do, but I'm just present.

You probably couldn't really tell. It's not hugely apparent. It bugs me though.

There's more to life than being able to describe it like this:


Perhaps it's the midwinter funk. Perhaps it's the post-Christmas letdown. Perhaps it's the weather.

Not sure. Here's hoping to break this streak really soon!

Praise

Christianity is not all about emotion but when is the last time that you were swept up and carried away by the sheer magnificence of your God? I need moments like these, moments where I am least and He is most, where I have no ability other than to raise my hands and fall on my knees. He is worthy and there is such power in worshiping Him with all that I have! Be challenged by this video. May we each live every moment in praise to our King!

Wrestling

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way."
~C.S. Lewis

I am fighting the Lord right now. I don't like to admit that because I'd prefer to act as though I've got everything together and that I'm a shining example of how to live this life following the Lord completely. However, I'm really not all that shiny and the truth is that all I really am is a muddy, fighting, imperfect, unworthy recipient of His eternal grace. All that and He still loves me...unbelievable.

I hate wrestling with God. It frustrates me because I know that in the long run I will have to bow before Him and surrender to Him. I know that's where this all ends up and, ultimately, that's where I want it to end up. Yet in the battle my stubbornness and my sinful heart stand up and proclaim that things need to be done my way. That this time I've got the answers and I want to go with those. Right now I want to be the one who leads and not the one who follows. I work myself into this intense struggle and then I am just so incredibly stubborn and I don't want to back down.

It's ugly but it's honest.

The thing is though that I don't ever want to be the second person in the quote above. I don't really want God to just let me run free and clear, choosing my own haphazard way. Sure, I wrestle and fight and struggle against Him in moments like these but the truth is that if He were ever to just let me go I would be terrified. Even as I stand here stubbornly I know that I truly would rather go where Jesus leads than to make my own way. Ultimately, I'd rather run to the ends of the earth or wait for thirty years or jump off the highest cliff with the Lord than to enjoy blessings upon blessings without Him. I want my life to be defined by Him and not have Him be defined by my life.

This battle is one that I'll eventually lose.

Even in the midst of the struggle, I couldn't be happier with that outcome.

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
~Psalm 84:10

Obedience

Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead.
You're not in the driver's seat; I am.
~Matthew 16:24

Enough said.

Slow Start

For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot

Here we are, 5 days into the new year already! Five days and nary a post. Somewhat unbelievable given the number of thoughts that race through my head on any given day! :)

The time has come though. It's time to write again!

My exuberance for this year has not yet waned. Resolutions have been only half-way formulated and I'm thoroughly enjoying my quest to identify a theme verse or song or quote. I'm starting things off slowly which is perhaps a good thing given the fact that I know things are about to pick up and a whirlwind of activity will ensue! The busyness of life is beckoning but in these moments I am holding it at arm's length and enjoying cozy evenings of reading and writing and snuggling with the dog (the so very spoiled dog who slept on the bed last night because I'm weak and miss the cat which is a totally different story) and chatting with my roommate (because sleep is less important than laughter).

Five days into it, I feel like I'm still waiting to figure out this year's voice. To begin to hear the songs that God is singing around and over me and to sense His direction and calling on the upcoming days. My path is curiously unlit and yet I sense a distant horizon. I'm poised here on the edge of 360 more days and I am believing God for some amazing things. Today I'm not sure what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what roads my feet will journey down or where I'll be in the end.

However, I am assured of some things. First, God will be faithful even if all else fails. Second, my path will be illuminated when I need to see the next step. Third, there are going to be incredible stories in these days. Fourth and final, where I have come from equips me to walk where I have yet to go.

So as this new year begins and used up calendars are tossed out and winter starts to become spring, let's all remember that the end of the old is the beginning of the new and it's time to embrace the life that God means for us to live. Life in abundance. It's what He gives and I am so very excited to see just what that means in 2009!

A most happy new year to all of you and it's my prayer that you'll walk closer with God in the coming days than ever before!