Alexander and I

Some days just don't start out the way I want them to. There's nothing that I can point to as being wrong and I know deep in my heart and mind that I have nothing to complain about. Yet I am being grouchy.

Everything just seems a bit more overwhelming, a bit more frustrating, and a bit less in keeping with how I want it. Some might say it's just Mondays in general. Others might say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed (although that would imply that I slept in bed instead of on the couch last night which would be an incorrect implication). Either way, it would be simple enough to just chalk it up to a rough day, to say that situations just aren't aligning and that I should just wait until tomorrow for things to look a little brighter.

A tempting option, no doubt. Who doesn't sometimes just want to throw a pity party for the day and let everyone else deal with their bad mood until they're ready to be cheerful again?

I'm tempted to do the same, I really am. However, I honestly don't think I have a leg to stand on when I consider what I am called to live like as a believer in Christ. Last time I checked, there really isn't a picture of Jesus just being a jerk to people because He felt like it. He wasn't known for just blowing the annoying people off or for pouting in a corner when He didn't get His way. There's nowhere that I see Paul telling me that it's cool if I want to speak negatively, throw around a little bit of a fit, or generally have a foul attitude just because it's how I want to act.

The reality is that I'm called to a higher level. I'm called to be a light in the darkness, to be doing away with negativity and coarseness. I'm called to reach out in love and compassion to the most unlovely of people. It's not just a calling on the days when I feel like it, it's a calling every single day that God gives me.

So it leaves me wondering, how exactly do I fight against what I want to do and instead be the cheerful girl who focuses on the positive and doesn't just sit down in a pity pile? So I think about Jesus (which is always a good place to start). While there may not be stories of how He became frustrated or angry for no good reason, there are plenty of stories that show just how human He was and the Bible is quick to tell us that He was tempted in every way that we are. If that's true, what might He have been doing that would keep him from being a grumpy Gus?

I'm going to just guess here but I think that it has something to do with the way that He would retreat into solitude, how He would go off and spend time in prayer and meditation. Not just once but often. Regularly. On purpose. For long periods of time.

There's value in that. I know it because I've experienced it. Could I likely benefit from the same refocusing time? Absolutely! Could it help refine my attitude and turn me from selfishness to compassion and from negativity to optimism? It certainly couldn't hurt!

So perhaps today, instead of just giving in to the temptation to be a brat, I will take a bit more time to spend away from everyone, to put a bit more focused attention on the truth of the scripture, and to give a little more time to talk to my Father.

Oh, and Alexander? He can keep his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day to himself! :)

What now?

6.5 months.

How has so much time gotten away from me?

How very much has changed since my last post. I almost don't know where to start. I almost don't know if I should even start. There is a part of me that thinks that maybe I should just let my season of blogging be over. That I should not try to pour any more of myself out into this computer for whomever to read.

Then I remember that I had goals for 2010. I even wrote them over on the right side of this page. One of them: cultivate artistic ability. Another: Live a life of risk. Also: Spiritual disciplines.

Does this blog not serve to help me along the journey towards completing these goals? I feel as though it does, or at least that it could. The story of this Jen is not completed. The truth is that in many ways it's only just beginning. I don't think it's fair to myself to simply stop writing forever as though I have actually reached where I hope to be. For I haven't. In many areas I'm not even close. So I think that perhaps I should write again. Not for those who might read this but rather for me. Which, in the long run, is who this whole experiment really should have been for anyways but I suspect that's another topic for another day.

So I may only have a little over a month of 2010 left but maybe I can make some progress on my goals. Just maybe, I can work a little farther along this path before we ring in 2011. There is much to say, many stories to tell, beauty to capture and hold onto and ponder.

Maybe this little corner of the internet is the place.

I kind of think it should be.